Why Does Every One Hate Me? 6 steps to diffusing anger.
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“No body likes me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I’ll go eat worms!”
Social Media opens yourself/your business/your products up to a world of criticism and complaints. This is helpful for improving and understanding what issues there might be, but sometimes people can get a little too emotional and vocal. In follow up to my post yesterday about how to write a proper complaint, this post is how to deal with people who have not read my last post. If you find yourself the brunt of someone’s lashing out here is what to do…
Note: these tactics work both online and off.
- Don’t take it personally!
Even when it is a personal attack. Someone once told me this quote, which source I have yet to find, but it makes sense… “If you take offense when none was intended, you are a fool. If you take offense when it was intended, you are a bigger fool.” (or something along those lines).The way I see it is this, if you are offended by what someone is saying about you, than you are allowing that person to have control over you. You are saying, “You are able to manipulate my emotional state.” You don’t want to give someone, especially someone you hardly know, that kind of power… do you?
Don’t take it personally, that person is a jerk!
- Validate the person’s feelings.
Most of the time, people just want to be heard. They are upset, or frustrated and just want to feel like they are being understood. You don’t want to agree with them or encourage the behavior, but you do want them to feel like you are concerned for their feelings.“I can understand why you are upset. I would be too if I felt how you feel.” This sounds clinical and simple, but you’d be amazed at how quickly it can work to diffuse the situation.
- Play to their ego.
This is more about bringing them up to your level rather than stooping down. “Oh yeah! Well you’re a stupid poop head!” is not going to resolve anything, and soon you will find yourself in a mud slinging battle.People think they are smart and that their views are valid and right. How ever they see the world, that is how the world is… for them. Acknowledge their intelligence and you will bring them up to your level and gain their respect. “You seem like a smart man.” goes along way.
- Diffuse the bomb
Validating the person and playing to their ego will help calm them down and bring them up to your level of discussion. Now is the time to get to the root of what has caused them to lash out. If they haven’t fully divulged the reason for their anger in the original lashing, then… Ask Questions!”What about X makes you mad?” “What is it exactly about my post that has upset you?” - Admit when you are wrong
If you’ve made a mistake, admit it. The sooner the better too! If there is a learning opportunity for you, acknowledge and accept it.In a previous post (which I’m having difficulty finding) I shared an experience where I had posted some photography work up for review. “This stuff is horrible and demonstrates your complete ignorance in the way of photographic lighting!” Ouch!
I responded politely and thanked the person for their insight. I admitted that it was an area I needed to improve and committed to studying more and increasing my lighting skills. The Negative Ned returned his comment with “awesome! It is so good to see someone who is willing and open to learning.” (quotes are to the best of my memory and if I do tell this story again, the quotes will probably be different :). But hopefully you get the point.)
- Offer a solution
I am amazed at the reaction I get when a solution is offered and how quickly that calms things down. In my post yesterday I mentioned an experience I had with Hertz renting a dirty car. Not only did the manager offer a solution to the problem, he gave me an opportunity to participate in the solution by asking me what I felt was fair.If you offer a solution, that is good, if you can offer a solution that requires input from the accuser, even better!
They just won’t shut up!
Most of the time angry people just want to be heard and validated. Once you have done this, they are much more receptive and sometimes even apologetic for their behavior (we’re all human after all). There are those that are inconsolable.
You say, “I can understand how you feel.”
They say, “I can understand that you are a complete moron!”
You return with, “I would feel upset too if I felt someone was attacking my way of life.”
They say, “You are a supid, reject with an IQ of a chicken! It is amazing that your family has managed to survive outside of the cave dwellings from where they belong. You are an obvious example of the dangers of inbreeding!”
At this point you have two options…
Option 1: Bow out gracefully, “I can tell you are upset and would be more than happy to try and come to a resolution. I will respond only to actual issues without all the name calling. Thank you.” and then ignore the person if they don’t comply.
Option 2: Just ignore them. Don’t reply at all if they maintain their outbursts and just let it fizzle. Most of the time they just are fishing for a fight. If you don’t participate, they will lose interest and quit.
Most people know how to behave.
For the most, if you are respectful in your dealings with people, they will be respectful of you. Keeping a level head and dealing with outbursts appropriately is a way to maintain that respect. Following these steps will help you keep your dignity.
How have you handled angry people either online or offline?
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Hi Nathan,
Fridge-worthy article! Wish more people in the customer-service industries would read this…
Love the song quote too
I remember that from when I was little. It’s still a bit of a (gentle) family joke, whenever someone starts getting a little too mired in self-pity.
Jessica